After I told Jim that I wanted to move out, and it was because of Eriq, he now won't talk, look or even acknowledge me. For days I've been sleeping on the couch, moving around Jim so we don't touch, and completely ignoring Eriq. Bella has noticed and asked what's wrong, but I'm not even sure how to explain it.
I took them out to dinner last night to celebrate their good report cards and asked them about the house and how they feel about the situation with Eriq. We fight alot and I'm curious about the impact that it has on their lives. Nick said he thought it was funny the crazy things that Eriq comes up with but Bella wasn't so understanding of the situation. She said, as she has before, that the screaming, yelling and punishment in the house makes her sad and she doesn't want us to yell anymore. I agree, but with Eriq that's how it always seems to end up. I asked about how they feel about Jim and they like him, just not when he's mad at Eriq because he then gets mad at them and yells at them. What they said isn't as bad as I imagined, but I feel like there's so much more. Do they see that I'm exhausted and stressed daily from the dealings with Eriq? Do they see that the time I spend working with Eriq on school, chores, discipline, or daily supervision takes time and effort away from them? I want to be their support system, and need my own support system to support me.
Over the last few days of not talking to Jim I've been torn about things. I miss his daily texts, but don't miss dealing with Eriq's problems. There have been problems in the last few days, but I've said nothing and won't. I am looking back at the whole relationship and realize there are several things that I'm unhappy about;
- I hate the situation with Eriq. I hate that I have to deal with his bad behaviors daily. I hate that people judge me for his behavior. I hate that he blames all of his problems on me. I hate that my own children are impacted by his behaviors.
- I hate that Eriq has the ability to cause problems in a relationship that have few problems otherwise. He intentionally tries to cause drama between Jim and I, Jim and his mom, and anyone else in the way.
- I hate that Jim is so insecure. When I said I had problem and am moving out, he accuses me of seeing someone else. That's always the issue. The truth is there is no one else, but I think about if there was someone else would they have a child with these problems? I hate that Jim has to go everywhere with me.....the grocery store, the mall, lunch, shopping, etc. Why do I need supervision? The problem isn't necessarily that Jim is going...it's that Eriq is. He sits there looking at me with his nasty glares and evil thoughts.
- I hate that I'm not able to be the best mom I can be to the kids. How many times have I been too tired to play softball with Bella, talk and cuddle with Nicholas, or play a board game, because I'm tired and stressed from Eriq? Too often I think.
- I hate that Jim owns the house that we live in. I have contributed at least what he has, if not more, to that house, so why am I supposed to just leave and let it go? He can't reasonably afford it without me, yet he won't move out and rent it to me.
After thinking things over for the last three days, I have started the process to remove myself, and my children from the house. It's small steps, but steps nonetheless. I have opened a bank account that has my name only, and I will start separating my money from Jim's. We can divide the bills evenly, or I will take a bigger percentage because I have three people, but Jim will feel the brunt of this because he has more bills than I do, with less income. I want to keep things as friendly as possible, but I see that's already going to be difficult. I need about $1500 to $2000 to move into a new house so let the savings begin!
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