Things always get worse before they get better, right?
Since my last post things have gotten worse, and then maybe better. Jim and I continued on the break up path for over a week. During this week we were completely uncivil to each other and intentionally doing things to hurt the other. I went to the IX Center and away for the weekend without them. Jim gave Eriq back every items of grounding that he has ever lost. Jim hit on women on Facebook and Plenty of Fish. I went on Plenty of Fish to get even. Jim prevented me from getting a rental house by telling the landlords not to rent to me and much more.
Finally, on Wednesday we started to talk about open up about what we think and feel. Jim was texting me all day saying he still loved me and wants to get back together. I was falling for his charms even as he was texting another girl he met online about a sexual backrub that he wanted to do to her. Some of the other stuff I know was done out of anger, and I can forgive that. Some times, like broken trust, isn't so easy to forgive. Even as we are trying to decide where we stand, he lied and then lied some more. He lied about texting girls, he lied about dates that he had scheduled, he lied about so much it hurts.
Yet, through all that I decided to stay. I'm not totally sure why though. I stayed with four conditions....he will put my name on the house. He will file unruly charges on Eriq, we will manage our money separately, and my kids will agree to stay. He said he will meet all of these conditions, so we are staying on a trial basis. The problem is now that Eriq is a problem, but now we've added a lack of trust factor to the relationship. I don't trust what he says. During this fight and making up I saw a side of Jim that I never knew existed. A lying, deceitful, manipulative, and uncaring side that reminded me of Eriq. Maybe Eriq's problems such as lying and stealing are founded with his father.
We are working on our relationship, which is very hard. We got physical the other night and instead of having sex, I cried for half an hour because I was so hurt that he had sexual talk with another woman when I hadn't even moved out of the house. It just feels that if he really loved me he would have been too heart broken to even consider it. These are issues we are working on, and maybe the trust can be repaired, but maybe not.
I am honestly positioning myself to leave. I don't know if things can be repaired to where they were and I am making plans to leave, just in case. Or maybe not plans to leave, but plans that if I am leaving that I will be in a better position than I am now. With the house in my name also, he will not be able to sell it without me. I could force him to buy out my half if in the event we break up again. With our money separate, my money will be used at my discretion and not to benefit Eriq as it has in the past.
Through all of this, the person winning, as always, is Eriq. He loves that me and his dad are fighting and loves that I was leaving even more. He loves that his dad gave him back all of his grounded possessions and even allowed him things that we have not allowed him to do in sometime. However, all of that has not changed his behavior. Jim has been getting calls from the school frequently about Eriq's behavior that. He's disrupting the classroom, stealing things from the teachers, no doing school work and using the computer for wrongful purposes. I hadn't spoke to Eriq in 8 days, yet, I'm sure that this somehow will be my fault. It always is.
Also, Bella told me on Wednesday night that Eriq had a pocket knife on the bus. I guess a friend of hers told her about it and that he cut himself with it. I called Jim and he found the knife and took it from Eriq. Eriq claims that a kid at the behavior center gave it to him and he needed it to sharpen pencils. Um...how about a pencil sharpener? Eriq is escalating, and this is exactly why the unruly charges need to be filed. He's not getting better...he's getting worse and is now armed. This knife scared my daughter and that scares me for her. Would he have done something stupid with the knife? I don't believe Eriq is violent, but sometimes the lengths that he will go to amaze me. He's at the counseling and behavior center every school day, yet steals, lies, and manipulates them as much as everyone else. Maybe even more. These are trained professionals in psychiatry or psychology, yet they seem to make no difference. What exactly would I'm not sure.
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