Things always get worse before they get better, right?
Since my last post things have gotten worse, and then maybe better. Jim and I continued on the break up path for over a week. During this week we were completely uncivil to each other and intentionally doing things to hurt the other. I went to the IX Center and away for the weekend without them. Jim gave Eriq back every items of grounding that he has ever lost. Jim hit on women on Facebook and Plenty of Fish. I went on Plenty of Fish to get even. Jim prevented me from getting a rental house by telling the landlords not to rent to me and much more.
Finally, on Wednesday we started to talk about open up about what we think and feel. Jim was texting me all day saying he still loved me and wants to get back together. I was falling for his charms even as he was texting another girl he met online about a sexual backrub that he wanted to do to her. Some of the other stuff I know was done out of anger, and I can forgive that. Some times, like broken trust, isn't so easy to forgive. Even as we are trying to decide where we stand, he lied and then lied some more. He lied about texting girls, he lied about dates that he had scheduled, he lied about so much it hurts.
Yet, through all that I decided to stay. I'm not totally sure why though. I stayed with four conditions....he will put my name on the house. He will file unruly charges on Eriq, we will manage our money separately, and my kids will agree to stay. He said he will meet all of these conditions, so we are staying on a trial basis. The problem is now that Eriq is a problem, but now we've added a lack of trust factor to the relationship. I don't trust what he says. During this fight and making up I saw a side of Jim that I never knew existed. A lying, deceitful, manipulative, and uncaring side that reminded me of Eriq. Maybe Eriq's problems such as lying and stealing are founded with his father.
We are working on our relationship, which is very hard. We got physical the other night and instead of having sex, I cried for half an hour because I was so hurt that he had sexual talk with another woman when I hadn't even moved out of the house. It just feels that if he really loved me he would have been too heart broken to even consider it. These are issues we are working on, and maybe the trust can be repaired, but maybe not.
I am honestly positioning myself to leave. I don't know if things can be repaired to where they were and I am making plans to leave, just in case. Or maybe not plans to leave, but plans that if I am leaving that I will be in a better position than I am now. With the house in my name also, he will not be able to sell it without me. I could force him to buy out my half if in the event we break up again. With our money separate, my money will be used at my discretion and not to benefit Eriq as it has in the past.
Through all of this, the person winning, as always, is Eriq. He loves that me and his dad are fighting and loves that I was leaving even more. He loves that his dad gave him back all of his grounded possessions and even allowed him things that we have not allowed him to do in sometime. However, all of that has not changed his behavior. Jim has been getting calls from the school frequently about Eriq's behavior that. He's disrupting the classroom, stealing things from the teachers, no doing school work and using the computer for wrongful purposes. I hadn't spoke to Eriq in 8 days, yet, I'm sure that this somehow will be my fault. It always is.
Also, Bella told me on Wednesday night that Eriq had a pocket knife on the bus. I guess a friend of hers told her about it and that he cut himself with it. I called Jim and he found the knife and took it from Eriq. Eriq claims that a kid at the behavior center gave it to him and he needed it to sharpen pencils. Um...how about a pencil sharpener? Eriq is escalating, and this is exactly why the unruly charges need to be filed. He's not getting better...he's getting worse and is now armed. This knife scared my daughter and that scares me for her. Would he have done something stupid with the knife? I don't believe Eriq is violent, but sometimes the lengths that he will go to amaze me. He's at the counseling and behavior center every school day, yet steals, lies, and manipulates them as much as everyone else. Maybe even more. These are trained professionals in psychiatry or psychology, yet they seem to make no difference. What exactly would I'm not sure.
Monday, April 21, 2014
Friday, April 11, 2014
4.11
It's been three days since my last post, and all hell has broken loose. Our house, relationship, and children are in complete shambles.
After I told Jim that I wanted to move out, and it was because of Eriq, he now won't talk, look or even acknowledge me. For days I've been sleeping on the couch, moving around Jim so we don't touch, and completely ignoring Eriq. Bella has noticed and asked what's wrong, but I'm not even sure how to explain it.
I took them out to dinner last night to celebrate their good report cards and asked them about the house and how they feel about the situation with Eriq. We fight alot and I'm curious about the impact that it has on their lives. Nick said he thought it was funny the crazy things that Eriq comes up with but Bella wasn't so understanding of the situation. She said, as she has before, that the screaming, yelling and punishment in the house makes her sad and she doesn't want us to yell anymore. I agree, but with Eriq that's how it always seems to end up. I asked about how they feel about Jim and they like him, just not when he's mad at Eriq because he then gets mad at them and yells at them. What they said isn't as bad as I imagined, but I feel like there's so much more. Do they see that I'm exhausted and stressed daily from the dealings with Eriq? Do they see that the time I spend working with Eriq on school, chores, discipline, or daily supervision takes time and effort away from them? I want to be their support system, and need my own support system to support me.
Over the last few days of not talking to Jim I've been torn about things. I miss his daily texts, but don't miss dealing with Eriq's problems. There have been problems in the last few days, but I've said nothing and won't. I am looking back at the whole relationship and realize there are several things that I'm unhappy about;
After thinking things over for the last three days, I have started the process to remove myself, and my children from the house. It's small steps, but steps nonetheless. I have opened a bank account that has my name only, and I will start separating my money from Jim's. We can divide the bills evenly, or I will take a bigger percentage because I have three people, but Jim will feel the brunt of this because he has more bills than I do, with less income. I want to keep things as friendly as possible, but I see that's already going to be difficult. I need about $1500 to $2000 to move into a new house so let the savings begin!
After I told Jim that I wanted to move out, and it was because of Eriq, he now won't talk, look or even acknowledge me. For days I've been sleeping on the couch, moving around Jim so we don't touch, and completely ignoring Eriq. Bella has noticed and asked what's wrong, but I'm not even sure how to explain it.
I took them out to dinner last night to celebrate their good report cards and asked them about the house and how they feel about the situation with Eriq. We fight alot and I'm curious about the impact that it has on their lives. Nick said he thought it was funny the crazy things that Eriq comes up with but Bella wasn't so understanding of the situation. She said, as she has before, that the screaming, yelling and punishment in the house makes her sad and she doesn't want us to yell anymore. I agree, but with Eriq that's how it always seems to end up. I asked about how they feel about Jim and they like him, just not when he's mad at Eriq because he then gets mad at them and yells at them. What they said isn't as bad as I imagined, but I feel like there's so much more. Do they see that I'm exhausted and stressed daily from the dealings with Eriq? Do they see that the time I spend working with Eriq on school, chores, discipline, or daily supervision takes time and effort away from them? I want to be their support system, and need my own support system to support me.
Over the last few days of not talking to Jim I've been torn about things. I miss his daily texts, but don't miss dealing with Eriq's problems. There have been problems in the last few days, but I've said nothing and won't. I am looking back at the whole relationship and realize there are several things that I'm unhappy about;
- I hate the situation with Eriq. I hate that I have to deal with his bad behaviors daily. I hate that people judge me for his behavior. I hate that he blames all of his problems on me. I hate that my own children are impacted by his behaviors.
- I hate that Eriq has the ability to cause problems in a relationship that have few problems otherwise. He intentionally tries to cause drama between Jim and I, Jim and his mom, and anyone else in the way.
- I hate that Jim is so insecure. When I said I had problem and am moving out, he accuses me of seeing someone else. That's always the issue. The truth is there is no one else, but I think about if there was someone else would they have a child with these problems? I hate that Jim has to go everywhere with me.....the grocery store, the mall, lunch, shopping, etc. Why do I need supervision? The problem isn't necessarily that Jim is going...it's that Eriq is. He sits there looking at me with his nasty glares and evil thoughts.
- I hate that I'm not able to be the best mom I can be to the kids. How many times have I been too tired to play softball with Bella, talk and cuddle with Nicholas, or play a board game, because I'm tired and stressed from Eriq? Too often I think.
- I hate that Jim owns the house that we live in. I have contributed at least what he has, if not more, to that house, so why am I supposed to just leave and let it go? He can't reasonably afford it without me, yet he won't move out and rent it to me.
After thinking things over for the last three days, I have started the process to remove myself, and my children from the house. It's small steps, but steps nonetheless. I have opened a bank account that has my name only, and I will start separating my money from Jim's. We can divide the bills evenly, or I will take a bigger percentage because I have three people, but Jim will feel the brunt of this because he has more bills than I do, with less income. I want to keep things as friendly as possible, but I see that's already going to be difficult. I need about $1500 to $2000 to move into a new house so let the savings begin!
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
4.9
Last night Jim addressed the banana incident with Eriq and to my surprise (NOT!) he was innocent of all charges. Eriq claims that another kid on the bus just loves bananas so Eriq gives his the banana from his lunch to this kid, but isn't responsible for the banana mess. Eriq is always innocent and never admits fault so his answer didn't surprise me in the slightest. Dad, however, at my request, had called the school and arranged for Eriq to do some community service at the bus garage on the following weekend. Eriq wasn't happy about that, because after all, he's innocent. The next problem becomes that it is his mom's weekend and Jim wants Eriq's mom to sit at the bus garage while he washes the buses. He texted her about and she said if she can. Where's the accountability of this parents to this child? I personally believe because Jim has custody that she sees it as his problem, not hers, and he can deal with it.
The night continues to get worse. While Eriq is doing his chores, Jim notices a bulge in Eriq's pants pocket and asks what it is. Eriq says nothing, but when Jim dips his hand in Eriq's pocket he find it is full of stolen Girl Scout cookies. I ask Eriq where they came from and Eriq tells me from Jackie at the behavior school...she's a Girl Scout. Hum. I obviously know this isn't true, but have to think about how, when and where these cookies came from. I finish my game of Candy Crush and go downstairs to investigate. Eriq has repeatedly discarded trash in various parts of the rec room that could incriminate him. Jim joined me in the search for what I believed at the time was going to be a box of opened Girl Scout cookies. Eriq has mentioned before hiding the stolen cell phone under the couch but when I looked under the couch there was nothing there. I thought for a minute and remembered that this couch has a rip in the bottom so we flipped the couch backwards to examine the bottom on the couch and as I imagined there was the open box of Girl Scout cookies hidden in the bottom seam rip. Also there was an open, and partly eaten jar of Easter sprinkles, pop tart papers, and other papers from snack cakes. I showed Eriq the evidence and he held to his story that a girl at school gave the box to him and it wasn't stolen from our house. I told Jim to call the police and file unruly charges against Eriq for theft from the Girl Scouts. He totally surprised me when he defended Eriq and said that maybe the cookies were from the girl at school and we should wait until the next day to confirm that they are or are not. This statement shows me exactly where I am in regards to Eriq and where Jim is and we are miles apart. I doubt EVERYTHING Eriq says because in the four years Jim and I have been together I have watched Eriq lie to me and everyone around him repeatedly. He will lie to you even after you've watched him do whatever he's accused of...and he will still deny it. Yet, somehow Jim still has faith that he's telling the truth and defends him and gives him the benefit of the doubt. That is something I simply can not understand.
Let me explain about the Girl Scout cookies...I don't want you to think we are ridiculous parents and get mad about our children stealing cookies. This isn't that. I'm a Girl Scout leader and store extra boxes of cookies in our garage that will be sold to benefit the troop. Sometimes it's 500 boxes, and then closer to the end of the season it's 50 boxes. When Eriq steals these boxes of cookies, it's money from the troop, that I then have to repay. For the three years Eriq has lived with me, every year Girl Scout cookies have walked away. Usually about 20 boxes a season. At $4 a box, we pay an additional $88 a year for the cookies Eriq has stole. Every year we tell Eriq don't touch them, threaten Eriq, and such, yet every year we are in the same position. This year they were all in the garage so we thought they were okay because Eriq was supervised when he was downstairs and couldn't get to them. Well, we were mistaken, obviously.
I stormed out of the house and left to take Bella to our pedicure appointment we previously had planned. In the car on the way to the appointment she asked why we were fighting with Eriq and said that she hates when we fight with Eriq and it makes her sad. That ripped my heart out and made me realize that this fighting and constant bickering and problems with Eriq is having a negative impact on my child. Bella already has enough to deal with and doesn't need this. We went on to the pedicures and had a great time!
When we arrived home, I was surprised to hear that Jim did call the Wintersville Police Department. Officer Gegick came to the house and talked to Eriq about the problems he's having. Jim said that Eriq said that he was making poor choices and needs to make better ones. We hear this daily, yet the behaviors and choices never change. The officer asked about his meds helping Eriq and Eriq says he don't feel they are working so the officer suggested we look for a new doctor. First, how do we know they behaviors are even medicine related? Eriq has admitted to making bad choices...there's no med that is going to change the decisions he's making. Is this really a med issue or a child out of control? The officer referred Jim to Lou Vandeborne or the juvenile department to file unruly charges against Eriq. Jim is supposed to make those calls today, yet I'm not totally sold on the fact that he will.
Last night lying in bed, I feel confidant that now is the time to remove myself and my children from this situation. Eriq is not getting better and is escalating in his behaviors and attitude. How can I reasonably put my children, who are in mourning for their dad, into this situation? They deserve the time and attention from me that is spent on Eriq. I just can't do it anymore. This isn't fair to them.
I told Jim last night I was going to start looking for a house to rent, and I mean that. He asked what to do and the truth is I don't believe there is anything he can do. I can't ask him to remove his child from the house for my safety, sanity and security. I wouldn't want him to ask me to do that with my children, so it seems removing myself from the situation is the only answer.
The night continues to get worse. While Eriq is doing his chores, Jim notices a bulge in Eriq's pants pocket and asks what it is. Eriq says nothing, but when Jim dips his hand in Eriq's pocket he find it is full of stolen Girl Scout cookies. I ask Eriq where they came from and Eriq tells me from Jackie at the behavior school...she's a Girl Scout. Hum. I obviously know this isn't true, but have to think about how, when and where these cookies came from. I finish my game of Candy Crush and go downstairs to investigate. Eriq has repeatedly discarded trash in various parts of the rec room that could incriminate him. Jim joined me in the search for what I believed at the time was going to be a box of opened Girl Scout cookies. Eriq has mentioned before hiding the stolen cell phone under the couch but when I looked under the couch there was nothing there. I thought for a minute and remembered that this couch has a rip in the bottom so we flipped the couch backwards to examine the bottom on the couch and as I imagined there was the open box of Girl Scout cookies hidden in the bottom seam rip. Also there was an open, and partly eaten jar of Easter sprinkles, pop tart papers, and other papers from snack cakes. I showed Eriq the evidence and he held to his story that a girl at school gave the box to him and it wasn't stolen from our house. I told Jim to call the police and file unruly charges against Eriq for theft from the Girl Scouts. He totally surprised me when he defended Eriq and said that maybe the cookies were from the girl at school and we should wait until the next day to confirm that they are or are not. This statement shows me exactly where I am in regards to Eriq and where Jim is and we are miles apart. I doubt EVERYTHING Eriq says because in the four years Jim and I have been together I have watched Eriq lie to me and everyone around him repeatedly. He will lie to you even after you've watched him do whatever he's accused of...and he will still deny it. Yet, somehow Jim still has faith that he's telling the truth and defends him and gives him the benefit of the doubt. That is something I simply can not understand.
Let me explain about the Girl Scout cookies...I don't want you to think we are ridiculous parents and get mad about our children stealing cookies. This isn't that. I'm a Girl Scout leader and store extra boxes of cookies in our garage that will be sold to benefit the troop. Sometimes it's 500 boxes, and then closer to the end of the season it's 50 boxes. When Eriq steals these boxes of cookies, it's money from the troop, that I then have to repay. For the three years Eriq has lived with me, every year Girl Scout cookies have walked away. Usually about 20 boxes a season. At $4 a box, we pay an additional $88 a year for the cookies Eriq has stole. Every year we tell Eriq don't touch them, threaten Eriq, and such, yet every year we are in the same position. This year they were all in the garage so we thought they were okay because Eriq was supervised when he was downstairs and couldn't get to them. Well, we were mistaken, obviously.
I stormed out of the house and left to take Bella to our pedicure appointment we previously had planned. In the car on the way to the appointment she asked why we were fighting with Eriq and said that she hates when we fight with Eriq and it makes her sad. That ripped my heart out and made me realize that this fighting and constant bickering and problems with Eriq is having a negative impact on my child. Bella already has enough to deal with and doesn't need this. We went on to the pedicures and had a great time!
When we arrived home, I was surprised to hear that Jim did call the Wintersville Police Department. Officer Gegick came to the house and talked to Eriq about the problems he's having. Jim said that Eriq said that he was making poor choices and needs to make better ones. We hear this daily, yet the behaviors and choices never change. The officer asked about his meds helping Eriq and Eriq says he don't feel they are working so the officer suggested we look for a new doctor. First, how do we know they behaviors are even medicine related? Eriq has admitted to making bad choices...there's no med that is going to change the decisions he's making. Is this really a med issue or a child out of control? The officer referred Jim to Lou Vandeborne or the juvenile department to file unruly charges against Eriq. Jim is supposed to make those calls today, yet I'm not totally sold on the fact that he will.
Last night lying in bed, I feel confidant that now is the time to remove myself and my children from this situation. Eriq is not getting better and is escalating in his behaviors and attitude. How can I reasonably put my children, who are in mourning for their dad, into this situation? They deserve the time and attention from me that is spent on Eriq. I just can't do it anymore. This isn't fair to them.
I told Jim last night I was going to start looking for a house to rent, and I mean that. He asked what to do and the truth is I don't believe there is anything he can do. I can't ask him to remove his child from the house for my safety, sanity and security. I wouldn't want him to ask me to do that with my children, so it seems removing myself from the situation is the only answer.
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
4.8
Jim and I enjoyed a lovely weekend this past weekend without any children! My kids went to their grandmothers and Eriq went to his mother's for the weekend.
Eriq returned home on time and relatively cooperative. He did his chores in a timely manner and started homework. He worked on homework until bedtime at 10pm.
The next day, Monday, it all changes with a series of problems all night long. For example, after dinner we asked Eriq how he was doing with jeans for school. He said he still had 2-3 pairs so he was good for now. OK, we move on to homework. First, that morning I sent with him a language arts lesson to be completed at school, but he forgot the papers at school so we can't verify that the work was done. With Eriq, I've learned when the papers don't make it home, it's because he didn't do them an and not bringing them home is the easiest. Anyway, I gave him a math lesson to complete that he already started so sat in the living room doing the 40 math problems for about three hours. I reviewed the lesson and knew that many, probably half of the questions, were wrong. I explained to Eriq that alot of the questions were wrong and asked if he wanted another opportunity to try again or if he wanted to move on to the next lesson. I could see from his face that he didn't want to correct the math, but knew that was the right answer. He thought about it and finally said, after some encouraging from Dad, to redo the math lesson. He worked on it for about 30 minutes and said he was done with it, although there were still many questions wrong. I submitted the lesson as is--I can't force him to care or to do the work. That has to come from him. BTW, during the time he was doing his homework, he was constantly picking at pimples, skin, jeans, the rug and laying down on the table whenever we were looking, and fidgeting with anything else he can get his hands on. Is that the ADHD the doctors claim or is it avoidance of doing homework?
At quiet time, I ask Eriq to go get clothes ready for school. He brings out two pairs of jeans that have paint all over the bottom. I asked where the pants were that he said he had for school and I guess these were them. Long story short, I advised Eriq that school clothes must be clean, wrinkle free, paint free, without holes and in generally good condition. He didn't have any clothes that match those criteria so he was doing laundry during quiet time. Quiet time in our house is at 8:30pm and that means all kids in the house are to be in their rooms, quiet during the remainder of the evening. Somehow, every night, Eriq has a problem getting into quiet time when he's supposed to be. Last night he was in the shower when 8:30pm rolled around so I went into the bathroom and shut the water off. Shower is over. Get in your room. Jim and I went into our room about 9:30pm and Eriq was in his room working on school work. I got up at 10:10pm to go to the bathroom and Eriq was in his room asleep although he was supposed to be working on school lessons until 10pm. He is sooooo far behind in his lesson and won'to do any during the school day at the behavior school so we have no choice but to do them in the evenings, yet Eriq draws, sleeps and anything else he can to avoid doing the work, making it a very long and tedious process.
Last night I was very upset with Jim about Eriq. I feel daily that the weight of Eriq and his problems are coming down on me. Jim sits in the chair and "supervises" Eriq, but does nothing with his school work, at my request, I admit and is generally inattentive to Eriq's behaviors. I don't want to see or deal with them, either, but what choice do we have?????
Today I called the bus garage to find out what bus Eriq is supposed to be riding. Turns out he is riding the bus he is supposed to but is causing problems on the bus. The bus driver complained to the head of transportation that Eriq was taking bananas out of his lunch and smearing them across the bus seats. I asked if this happened once and was advised that it has happened for a few days and they are requesting that he not have any more bananas in his lunch. Seriously? What makes a child that is almost 15 years old smear bananas across the seat of the bus????? I suspect it's a retaliation against his dad because Dad wants him to sit in the front seat of the bus. But what's going to happen? He smears banana across the bus seats, so he gets the privilege of sitting anywhere? That doesn't even make sense. It's just another no win situation with Eriq. We discipline him and make him sit in the front of the bus so he smears bananas on the bus seats. We don't let him have any more bananas (obviously), so he will do something else. Where does it end?
Eriq returned home on time and relatively cooperative. He did his chores in a timely manner and started homework. He worked on homework until bedtime at 10pm.
The next day, Monday, it all changes with a series of problems all night long. For example, after dinner we asked Eriq how he was doing with jeans for school. He said he still had 2-3 pairs so he was good for now. OK, we move on to homework. First, that morning I sent with him a language arts lesson to be completed at school, but he forgot the papers at school so we can't verify that the work was done. With Eriq, I've learned when the papers don't make it home, it's because he didn't do them an and not bringing them home is the easiest. Anyway, I gave him a math lesson to complete that he already started so sat in the living room doing the 40 math problems for about three hours. I reviewed the lesson and knew that many, probably half of the questions, were wrong. I explained to Eriq that alot of the questions were wrong and asked if he wanted another opportunity to try again or if he wanted to move on to the next lesson. I could see from his face that he didn't want to correct the math, but knew that was the right answer. He thought about it and finally said, after some encouraging from Dad, to redo the math lesson. He worked on it for about 30 minutes and said he was done with it, although there were still many questions wrong. I submitted the lesson as is--I can't force him to care or to do the work. That has to come from him. BTW, during the time he was doing his homework, he was constantly picking at pimples, skin, jeans, the rug and laying down on the table whenever we were looking, and fidgeting with anything else he can get his hands on. Is that the ADHD the doctors claim or is it avoidance of doing homework?
At quiet time, I ask Eriq to go get clothes ready for school. He brings out two pairs of jeans that have paint all over the bottom. I asked where the pants were that he said he had for school and I guess these were them. Long story short, I advised Eriq that school clothes must be clean, wrinkle free, paint free, without holes and in generally good condition. He didn't have any clothes that match those criteria so he was doing laundry during quiet time. Quiet time in our house is at 8:30pm and that means all kids in the house are to be in their rooms, quiet during the remainder of the evening. Somehow, every night, Eriq has a problem getting into quiet time when he's supposed to be. Last night he was in the shower when 8:30pm rolled around so I went into the bathroom and shut the water off. Shower is over. Get in your room. Jim and I went into our room about 9:30pm and Eriq was in his room working on school work. I got up at 10:10pm to go to the bathroom and Eriq was in his room asleep although he was supposed to be working on school lessons until 10pm. He is sooooo far behind in his lesson and won'to do any during the school day at the behavior school so we have no choice but to do them in the evenings, yet Eriq draws, sleeps and anything else he can to avoid doing the work, making it a very long and tedious process.
Last night I was very upset with Jim about Eriq. I feel daily that the weight of Eriq and his problems are coming down on me. Jim sits in the chair and "supervises" Eriq, but does nothing with his school work, at my request, I admit and is generally inattentive to Eriq's behaviors. I don't want to see or deal with them, either, but what choice do we have?????
Today I called the bus garage to find out what bus Eriq is supposed to be riding. Turns out he is riding the bus he is supposed to but is causing problems on the bus. The bus driver complained to the head of transportation that Eriq was taking bananas out of his lunch and smearing them across the bus seats. I asked if this happened once and was advised that it has happened for a few days and they are requesting that he not have any more bananas in his lunch. Seriously? What makes a child that is almost 15 years old smear bananas across the seat of the bus????? I suspect it's a retaliation against his dad because Dad wants him to sit in the front seat of the bus. But what's going to happen? He smears banana across the bus seats, so he gets the privilege of sitting anywhere? That doesn't even make sense. It's just another no win situation with Eriq. We discipline him and make him sit in the front of the bus so he smears bananas on the bus seats. We don't let him have any more bananas (obviously), so he will do something else. Where does it end?
Thursday, April 3, 2014
4.3
I was hoping today would be a day of redemption and instead it turned out to be something entirely!
For weeks, I've been looking forward to an appointment with Dr. Boren, Eriq's psychiatrist, and Josh, from Eriq's behavior school, to discuss issues with Eriq. Jim was unable to attend, so I spoke with Jim on Tuesday night about our stance and went to the appointment to represent our side of things.
The appointment started as they always do, with the Doctor asking Eriq for his opinion of things. Eriq says that he's having problems with stealing poptarts, and other doing other things he's not supposed to be doing. They talked about focus, and Eriq says that he's able to focus to focus on his work, about half of the time. She asked about the other half of the time and he says he just doesn't want to. UGH! I've been saying for MONTHS that I don't believe the ADHD diagnosis and now he says himself that he chooses not to focus. They talk for a while about how he feels, his moods, and his general behavior. The doctor and the counselor feel that his moods effect his behavior and another medicine should be added to his roster to help stabilize his mood.
I asked Eriq to wait in the hall to discuss things privately and wanted to make sure they understood the severity of the issues we are having with Eriq. I voiced my concerns, including lack of effort on school work, continuous stealing, lying and other "trickery" behaviors. I felt that Eriq diminished the problems we were/are having and I wanted them to make sure that the issues we are having are serious. The doctor recommend the new med, a anti-seizure med, that would be used in Eriq's case to stabilize his moods. I asked how this is different than the Lithium he was on before that was to stabilize his moods and had no effect. She said it's a different medicine and works differently with less side effects. We discussed the issues further and whether meds will treat the issues we are having with Eriq. She advised that alot of Eriq's behaviors are a result of his environment and implied that Jim and I are the problem. I questioned this a bit further and she explained that Jim and I fighting (which is seldom and always about Eriq), Terry's murder, and that Eriq doesn't have any positive relationships are what is causing his misbehavior and when we solve those issues the behavior will improve. I felt like she was placing the blame on us for Eriq's negative behaviors. Also, how does Terry's murder have anything at all to do with Eriq???? He met him a couple of times, but didn't know how more than that. I said that if Nicholas and Bella aren't having behavior problems as a result of their dad's death, how can Eriq? He's sensitive they said. At several points of this meeting I seriously considered just leaving with no explanation. For 40 minutes we talked about Eriq and the problems that we are having and the entire time I felt they were justifying his bad behaviors. He steals a cell phone, hacks into the internet, and downloads porn. Yet somehow that's our fault. Eriq steals money, or food, or year books, or whatever, and that's because he doesn't have relationships with people close to him. I agree that he doesn't have relationships with people close to him, but why is that? I feel he isn't close to his dad because of the negative behaviors in our house. Can you really feel close with someone who destroys your house, steals your money, tells lies about you, and lies directly to you? I am not close with Eriq, by my own choice. I also asked about filing unruly charges against Eriq, and they both felt that was extreme for the problems we are having. It was the last visit I was at, about two months ago, that the doctor suggested that to us? All of a sudden, the problems are a result of things happening in our house?
I am so disappointed in the outcome of this appointment. Another med? Really? How many meds have we tried with no change in behavior? Lithium, Intuniv, Vynanze, Concerta, are just a few I can recall. I was hoping for the doctor to see where we stand with a real approach on how to change Eriq's behavior. Instead, I feel like we got blamed for his behavior. Are parents ultimately responsible for their children's behavior? Are we responsible for Eriq's? I just don't believe so.
For weeks, I've been looking forward to an appointment with Dr. Boren, Eriq's psychiatrist, and Josh, from Eriq's behavior school, to discuss issues with Eriq. Jim was unable to attend, so I spoke with Jim on Tuesday night about our stance and went to the appointment to represent our side of things.
The appointment started as they always do, with the Doctor asking Eriq for his opinion of things. Eriq says that he's having problems with stealing poptarts, and other doing other things he's not supposed to be doing. They talked about focus, and Eriq says that he's able to focus to focus on his work, about half of the time. She asked about the other half of the time and he says he just doesn't want to. UGH! I've been saying for MONTHS that I don't believe the ADHD diagnosis and now he says himself that he chooses not to focus. They talk for a while about how he feels, his moods, and his general behavior. The doctor and the counselor feel that his moods effect his behavior and another medicine should be added to his roster to help stabilize his mood.
I asked Eriq to wait in the hall to discuss things privately and wanted to make sure they understood the severity of the issues we are having with Eriq. I voiced my concerns, including lack of effort on school work, continuous stealing, lying and other "trickery" behaviors. I felt that Eriq diminished the problems we were/are having and I wanted them to make sure that the issues we are having are serious. The doctor recommend the new med, a anti-seizure med, that would be used in Eriq's case to stabilize his moods. I asked how this is different than the Lithium he was on before that was to stabilize his moods and had no effect. She said it's a different medicine and works differently with less side effects. We discussed the issues further and whether meds will treat the issues we are having with Eriq. She advised that alot of Eriq's behaviors are a result of his environment and implied that Jim and I are the problem. I questioned this a bit further and she explained that Jim and I fighting (which is seldom and always about Eriq), Terry's murder, and that Eriq doesn't have any positive relationships are what is causing his misbehavior and when we solve those issues the behavior will improve. I felt like she was placing the blame on us for Eriq's negative behaviors. Also, how does Terry's murder have anything at all to do with Eriq???? He met him a couple of times, but didn't know how more than that. I said that if Nicholas and Bella aren't having behavior problems as a result of their dad's death, how can Eriq? He's sensitive they said. At several points of this meeting I seriously considered just leaving with no explanation. For 40 minutes we talked about Eriq and the problems that we are having and the entire time I felt they were justifying his bad behaviors. He steals a cell phone, hacks into the internet, and downloads porn. Yet somehow that's our fault. Eriq steals money, or food, or year books, or whatever, and that's because he doesn't have relationships with people close to him. I agree that he doesn't have relationships with people close to him, but why is that? I feel he isn't close to his dad because of the negative behaviors in our house. Can you really feel close with someone who destroys your house, steals your money, tells lies about you, and lies directly to you? I am not close with Eriq, by my own choice. I also asked about filing unruly charges against Eriq, and they both felt that was extreme for the problems we are having. It was the last visit I was at, about two months ago, that the doctor suggested that to us? All of a sudden, the problems are a result of things happening in our house?
I am so disappointed in the outcome of this appointment. Another med? Really? How many meds have we tried with no change in behavior? Lithium, Intuniv, Vynanze, Concerta, are just a few I can recall. I was hoping for the doctor to see where we stand with a real approach on how to change Eriq's behavior. Instead, I feel like we got blamed for his behavior. Are parents ultimately responsible for their children's behavior? Are we responsible for Eriq's? I just don't believe so.
Monday, March 31, 2014
3.31
Wow what a mess! Today I have been spending my day managing Eriq's school assignments. He's still sooo far behind, I'm not sure that he can honestly get back to the place where he needs to be to finish 8th grade.
Last week Jim got a call from the head of the behavior school Eriq attends warning that Eriq will need to look for other schooling because of his disruptive behavior in the classroom. I guess during the school day he was with the high school or older kids and was constantly distributive so they moved him into the classroom with the little kids, where he continued to be distributive. He said something about throwing crayons and antagonizing the other kids. Jim called him and got him to allow Eriq a second chance to remain in the school, but it's a thin rope I suspect. Jim and I talked to Eriq after school and asked how his day was. He response was good. He obviously didn't know the school called to let us know what was really happening in the classroom. We talked about what's going on during the day, including why he isn't getting assignments completed, why he is misbehaving and for once I suspect we are getting honest answers. Eriq said that he isn't doing the school work because he is busy talking to his friends and acts like he is doing it so the teachers don't know he isn't. I asked about the misbehavior and Eriq said that he misbehaves because was wants the attention of the other students and misbehaves because they laugh and he likes when they are paying attention to him. That is soooo not ADHD in my opinion. If he is doing it because he wants to isn't that something more like B.A.D? I have new initials to describe the disorder he has!
Jim and I talked about it privately and he seems so indecisive about the trouble with Eriq. He just says "I don't know what to do", "I'm not sure", "I wish I knew what to do" and more statements of indecisiveness. It's exhausting dealing with Eriq, and Jim so indecisively. After the call from the school about misbehaving and the lack of effort on assignments, I made the decision to withdraw Eriq from baseball this spring season. I figured I paid for it (Jim was laid off at that point) so I have the right to end it. Jim didn't seem happy with my decision but I wasn't concerned. I think Jim wants Eriq to play, but I'm not sure that Eriq even wants to play. If Jim isn't going to make the decision, I will. What does it take for Jim to see the reality of this child?
We are working on school lessons all night, yet Eriq seems to get very little done. He is taking DAYS to complete one lesson and is so far behind. I called the school and spoke to the counselor who said that Eriq needs a B or a C in both the 3rd and 4th grading periods to pass the 8th grade. I just don't know if it's possible. I wonder every day if he can't do the work...maybe the counselor or psychiatrist is right and he is ADHD. Then I see that when he was supposed to be doing computer lessons he was looking up colleges, or when he was supposed to be doing his science, he was coloring, or when he was supposed to be doing the math he was drawing pictures. He isn't applying effort and that's why the work isn't getting done.
Last week Jim got a call from the head of the behavior school Eriq attends warning that Eriq will need to look for other schooling because of his disruptive behavior in the classroom. I guess during the school day he was with the high school or older kids and was constantly distributive so they moved him into the classroom with the little kids, where he continued to be distributive. He said something about throwing crayons and antagonizing the other kids. Jim called him and got him to allow Eriq a second chance to remain in the school, but it's a thin rope I suspect. Jim and I talked to Eriq after school and asked how his day was. He response was good. He obviously didn't know the school called to let us know what was really happening in the classroom. We talked about what's going on during the day, including why he isn't getting assignments completed, why he is misbehaving and for once I suspect we are getting honest answers. Eriq said that he isn't doing the school work because he is busy talking to his friends and acts like he is doing it so the teachers don't know he isn't. I asked about the misbehavior and Eriq said that he misbehaves because was wants the attention of the other students and misbehaves because they laugh and he likes when they are paying attention to him. That is soooo not ADHD in my opinion. If he is doing it because he wants to isn't that something more like B.A.D? I have new initials to describe the disorder he has!
Jim and I talked about it privately and he seems so indecisive about the trouble with Eriq. He just says "I don't know what to do", "I'm not sure", "I wish I knew what to do" and more statements of indecisiveness. It's exhausting dealing with Eriq, and Jim so indecisively. After the call from the school about misbehaving and the lack of effort on assignments, I made the decision to withdraw Eriq from baseball this spring season. I figured I paid for it (Jim was laid off at that point) so I have the right to end it. Jim didn't seem happy with my decision but I wasn't concerned. I think Jim wants Eriq to play, but I'm not sure that Eriq even wants to play. If Jim isn't going to make the decision, I will. What does it take for Jim to see the reality of this child?
We are working on school lessons all night, yet Eriq seems to get very little done. He is taking DAYS to complete one lesson and is so far behind. I called the school and spoke to the counselor who said that Eriq needs a B or a C in both the 3rd and 4th grading periods to pass the 8th grade. I just don't know if it's possible. I wonder every day if he can't do the work...maybe the counselor or psychiatrist is right and he is ADHD. Then I see that when he was supposed to be doing computer lessons he was looking up colleges, or when he was supposed to be doing his science, he was coloring, or when he was supposed to be doing the math he was drawing pictures. He isn't applying effort and that's why the work isn't getting done.
Monday, March 24, 2014
3.24
So much to update...not sure even where to begin! I really need to do a better job of updating daily, or even weekly.
Things with Eriq are a mess. Possibly worse than usual. The first area of concern is school work. Eriq is enrolled in home school with VLA, but attends a behavior-counseling school in the area. Basically, he gets counseling and does his school work during the day, because Dad and I are at work. However, he isn't really doing the school work. He has to complete 9 lessons in a nine-weeks per subject (Math, Language Arts, Science and Social Studies), and yet he has barely completed 4 or 5 in each lesson with the 9 weeks ending in five days. He goes to school for hours a day, and barely gets 5 questions answered. He has been doing nothing but school assignments in the evenings, but can't seem to get then finished. On the adding and subtracting fractions lesson it took him seven days to complete 7 worksheets and 50 online questions. Most nights it was from 4pm til 9pm or 10pm and he barely got anything done. I try to see the ADHD that the psychiatrist has diagnosed him with, but I just don't see it. It's more like he doesn't want to do the work...and just doesn't.
Last Saturday, I told him he had one worksheet of math to do before he could leave for his mom's for the weekend. That was 9am on Saturday morning. When she got there at 1:30pm, he had half of the worksheet done. I looked at the problems remaining and they were problems he had been working on all week and just couldn't seem to understand them. During that week he had videos, explanations from me, Jim, and my son Nicholas on how to solve. Yet, he still couldn't, or wouldn't do the work. I am left again to think, does he really not know how to solve the problem? Or does he just not want to?
It was decided about 2:30pm on that Saturday he would take the worksheet home to his mom's and finish it over the weekend. When he returned on Sunday, Eriq's mom sat down to show me the worksheet, and the answers in the notebook. The problem was that all of the problems were in her handwriting! She did all of the work for him. This turned into an argument between me and her because I said I don't know how you doing the work for him helps. She said he did it, but she wrote it down. She wasn't happy with what I said and just left without saying a word. After she left, Eriq got mad at me because of the way that I talked to his mom and said that she is his mom and that she didn't do the math and a crapload of junk about how it's none of my business and I'm not his mother. It got very heated and I smacked him in his mouth. Twice. It got physical and Eriq lunged forward to strike me, but Jim stopped him. They ended up in a physical altercation as well. Jim pinned Eriq and told him to knock if off. Later when Jim and I looked at the problems he did with her, we noticed they were all wrong. So much for that help!
I left the house for a while to take Bella somewhere and to try to think. Eriq has never gotten physical with me, so that was a first. I am honestly concerned about what would have happened if Jim wasn't there to step in. Eriq is very strong, and easily could have harmed me.
Of course, all of this was defending his low-life mother. This woman is a piece of work, and in my opinion, the real root of Eriq's problems. For the first year of my relationship with Jim, I asked him not to say anything negative about her so I could form my own opinion of her. It didn't take long before I realized that she is a problem. First, she pays VERY little or NO child support for Eriq. Her current order is $135 a month (because she doesn't work, and won't) and yet she only seems to pay that about every 4 months. She went to court in January because she is so far behind and told the judge she would make weekly payments to the court to get it caught up. That was January 23rd...the same date as her last payment. Second, this woman sets NO rules or guidelines for Eriq. She literally lets him do whatever he wants, and then complains about his behavior. I can recall over the last four years, since Jim and I have been together, her giving him energy drinks, letting his girlfriend spend the night, run around the property unsupervised with an ax, him left to care for his brother and sister, never being forced to take a shower, and so much more. If I know anything about Eriq is that he is not a normal child and needs to be closely supervised. At our house, it was less than a year ago, when Eriq was playing with fire in our bathroom, that we decided he shouldn't be left alone, or unsupervised. My other issue with Denise is that we suspect she constantly works against the parenting that Jim and I are doing with Eriq. He always comes home from her house in such a negative mood towards us, I suspect she bad mouths us to Eriq, creative more negative energy in our home.
Eriq went to his mom's again this weekend and we took this opportunity to look through his room for stolen items. While we didn't find things in the usual, obvious places, we did find a huge jackpot hidden behind the dresser where the old window is sealed into the wall. We knew of this hiding place a couple of weeks previously and found again a ton of stolen items including root beer, snack cakes, Girl Scout cookies, tubes of icing from the kitchen, clothes he don't want to wear and such. The search of his room also showed mechanical pencils, sharpies, books, pens and such that we didn't purchase for Eriq. When he got home from his moms, we asked where this stuff came from and got the standard idk answer. I asked about the stolen items, and he said he took them from our room when we weren't looking or from the kitchen when we were in the other room. We have literally locked up and hidden so many things in our house, yet he is still able to sneak around to find them, steal them, eat them, etc without us knowing. Yet he can't learn how to add or subtract fractions after 7 days. I also suspect I had money missing out of my purse also, but I have no proof that Eriq stole it. I assumed I misplaced it, or spent it, because it was in my room and the door was closed so Eriq couldn't get to it....and then we found papers from snack items that are in my closet and now know he was in there after all.
Jim and I had a long talk last night about the status of things with Eriq and I think he might be really considering filing unruly charges or taking the next step in the the process, whatever that may be. I have several friends who has suggested unruly charges, which is basically a complaint against Eriq in the juvenile court system....friends have said that it opens up doors to programs that we might not have available to us otherwise. Is this the best path? Should we create a juvenile file for him? Are his violations that bad to warrant that level of punishment? Sometimes I feel like we are overreacting and it's just a few things of stolen candy from my room, or a little bit of cash. Or pencils. It's not a big deal. And then I remember the anger in his face when he lunged toward me, for what I assumed was to hit me, or him pulling a knife on my daughter three years ago, or the fact that my overly affectionate cats won't go near him, or that he was playing with fire, or cutting himself, or pouring bleach on my clothes, or that he can't, or won't, so his school work, or that he has been skipping class, and then I remember it's more serious than the pieces of candy.
I honestly don't tell Jim how I really feel about the situation because I sometimes don't know how I feel about things myself. The truth I will admit though is that this situation with Eriq has taken a toll on our relationship. We fight alot about Eriq, usually because I don't think he supervises him enough, and lets too many of the small things go. I am fearful that Eriq will harm someone I love or that the day to day dealings with Eriq will have a negative impact on the lives of my own children. My daughter has said before that he hates when we fight with Eriq. I feel like I divorced her dad because we were fighting too much and now I put her back in the same situation I was trying to avoid in the first place. I think sometimes of just leaving the house with Nick and Bella and getting our own place. Then I think of moving them from a house they love, or maybe even from the school they love, and uprooting them again, and I stay with optimism that things will get better. But will they? Am I risking my kids sanity and stability for Eriq? Would Eriq be better off if it was just him and his dad? Is that what he wants anyway? I told Jim in the beginning that I would never leave him because of Eriq, but the truth is every day that it gets a little closer and closer as the situation with Eriq continues to worsen.
Things with Eriq are a mess. Possibly worse than usual. The first area of concern is school work. Eriq is enrolled in home school with VLA, but attends a behavior-counseling school in the area. Basically, he gets counseling and does his school work during the day, because Dad and I are at work. However, he isn't really doing the school work. He has to complete 9 lessons in a nine-weeks per subject (Math, Language Arts, Science and Social Studies), and yet he has barely completed 4 or 5 in each lesson with the 9 weeks ending in five days. He goes to school for hours a day, and barely gets 5 questions answered. He has been doing nothing but school assignments in the evenings, but can't seem to get then finished. On the adding and subtracting fractions lesson it took him seven days to complete 7 worksheets and 50 online questions. Most nights it was from 4pm til 9pm or 10pm and he barely got anything done. I try to see the ADHD that the psychiatrist has diagnosed him with, but I just don't see it. It's more like he doesn't want to do the work...and just doesn't.
Last Saturday, I told him he had one worksheet of math to do before he could leave for his mom's for the weekend. That was 9am on Saturday morning. When she got there at 1:30pm, he had half of the worksheet done. I looked at the problems remaining and they were problems he had been working on all week and just couldn't seem to understand them. During that week he had videos, explanations from me, Jim, and my son Nicholas on how to solve. Yet, he still couldn't, or wouldn't do the work. I am left again to think, does he really not know how to solve the problem? Or does he just not want to?
It was decided about 2:30pm on that Saturday he would take the worksheet home to his mom's and finish it over the weekend. When he returned on Sunday, Eriq's mom sat down to show me the worksheet, and the answers in the notebook. The problem was that all of the problems were in her handwriting! She did all of the work for him. This turned into an argument between me and her because I said I don't know how you doing the work for him helps. She said he did it, but she wrote it down. She wasn't happy with what I said and just left without saying a word. After she left, Eriq got mad at me because of the way that I talked to his mom and said that she is his mom and that she didn't do the math and a crapload of junk about how it's none of my business and I'm not his mother. It got very heated and I smacked him in his mouth. Twice. It got physical and Eriq lunged forward to strike me, but Jim stopped him. They ended up in a physical altercation as well. Jim pinned Eriq and told him to knock if off. Later when Jim and I looked at the problems he did with her, we noticed they were all wrong. So much for that help!
I left the house for a while to take Bella somewhere and to try to think. Eriq has never gotten physical with me, so that was a first. I am honestly concerned about what would have happened if Jim wasn't there to step in. Eriq is very strong, and easily could have harmed me.
Of course, all of this was defending his low-life mother. This woman is a piece of work, and in my opinion, the real root of Eriq's problems. For the first year of my relationship with Jim, I asked him not to say anything negative about her so I could form my own opinion of her. It didn't take long before I realized that she is a problem. First, she pays VERY little or NO child support for Eriq. Her current order is $135 a month (because she doesn't work, and won't) and yet she only seems to pay that about every 4 months. She went to court in January because she is so far behind and told the judge she would make weekly payments to the court to get it caught up. That was January 23rd...the same date as her last payment. Second, this woman sets NO rules or guidelines for Eriq. She literally lets him do whatever he wants, and then complains about his behavior. I can recall over the last four years, since Jim and I have been together, her giving him energy drinks, letting his girlfriend spend the night, run around the property unsupervised with an ax, him left to care for his brother and sister, never being forced to take a shower, and so much more. If I know anything about Eriq is that he is not a normal child and needs to be closely supervised. At our house, it was less than a year ago, when Eriq was playing with fire in our bathroom, that we decided he shouldn't be left alone, or unsupervised. My other issue with Denise is that we suspect she constantly works against the parenting that Jim and I are doing with Eriq. He always comes home from her house in such a negative mood towards us, I suspect she bad mouths us to Eriq, creative more negative energy in our home.
Eriq went to his mom's again this weekend and we took this opportunity to look through his room for stolen items. While we didn't find things in the usual, obvious places, we did find a huge jackpot hidden behind the dresser where the old window is sealed into the wall. We knew of this hiding place a couple of weeks previously and found again a ton of stolen items including root beer, snack cakes, Girl Scout cookies, tubes of icing from the kitchen, clothes he don't want to wear and such. The search of his room also showed mechanical pencils, sharpies, books, pens and such that we didn't purchase for Eriq. When he got home from his moms, we asked where this stuff came from and got the standard idk answer. I asked about the stolen items, and he said he took them from our room when we weren't looking or from the kitchen when we were in the other room. We have literally locked up and hidden so many things in our house, yet he is still able to sneak around to find them, steal them, eat them, etc without us knowing. Yet he can't learn how to add or subtract fractions after 7 days. I also suspect I had money missing out of my purse also, but I have no proof that Eriq stole it. I assumed I misplaced it, or spent it, because it was in my room and the door was closed so Eriq couldn't get to it....and then we found papers from snack items that are in my closet and now know he was in there after all.
Jim and I had a long talk last night about the status of things with Eriq and I think he might be really considering filing unruly charges or taking the next step in the the process, whatever that may be. I have several friends who has suggested unruly charges, which is basically a complaint against Eriq in the juvenile court system....friends have said that it opens up doors to programs that we might not have available to us otherwise. Is this the best path? Should we create a juvenile file for him? Are his violations that bad to warrant that level of punishment? Sometimes I feel like we are overreacting and it's just a few things of stolen candy from my room, or a little bit of cash. Or pencils. It's not a big deal. And then I remember the anger in his face when he lunged toward me, for what I assumed was to hit me, or him pulling a knife on my daughter three years ago, or the fact that my overly affectionate cats won't go near him, or that he was playing with fire, or cutting himself, or pouring bleach on my clothes, or that he can't, or won't, so his school work, or that he has been skipping class, and then I remember it's more serious than the pieces of candy.
I honestly don't tell Jim how I really feel about the situation because I sometimes don't know how I feel about things myself. The truth I will admit though is that this situation with Eriq has taken a toll on our relationship. We fight alot about Eriq, usually because I don't think he supervises him enough, and lets too many of the small things go. I am fearful that Eriq will harm someone I love or that the day to day dealings with Eriq will have a negative impact on the lives of my own children. My daughter has said before that he hates when we fight with Eriq. I feel like I divorced her dad because we were fighting too much and now I put her back in the same situation I was trying to avoid in the first place. I think sometimes of just leaving the house with Nick and Bella and getting our own place. Then I think of moving them from a house they love, or maybe even from the school they love, and uprooting them again, and I stay with optimism that things will get better. But will they? Am I risking my kids sanity and stability for Eriq? Would Eriq be better off if it was just him and his dad? Is that what he wants anyway? I told Jim in the beginning that I would never leave him because of Eriq, but the truth is every day that it gets a little closer and closer as the situation with Eriq continues to worsen.
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